Trouble at Cortex Castle
by Venom Wolf
Summary: A fic about the bad guys. When Cortex Castle is under repair, the N.Team and their minions are forced to stay at a hotel. As you'd probably guess, chaos ensues. CHP 4 IS HERE !
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Since I only have the 4 Crash games on the PS1, this takes place after Crash Team Racing. I apologise for the lack of Neo Cortex and Ripper Roo in this chapter, but don't worry; they'll be around in the later chapters.**

**- Venom Wolf**

**Disclaimer: Crash Bandicoot and all the other characters do not belong to me. You must be crazy if you think I do!**

* * *

**- Chapter One -**

Life at Cortex Castle was not all doom and gloom, as many people thought. Although the genetically mutated creatures were Cortex's minions, they were allowed to leave anytime they wanted to and make their own way out onto the big wide world. Dingodile had his breeding centre, Tiny had his own Pain n' Gain exercise videos, Koala Kong became a big name in Hollywood, Ripper Roo became the Governor of a particular state, the Komodo brothers were due to appear in court for laundering and Pinstripe became a used car salesman in New Jersey.

Occasionally, the minions would come and visit Cortex Castle, just to see how their creators were getting along with their plans for world domination.

One fine morning, unaware of the danger over their heads, Tiny, Dingodile, Koala Kong, Pinstripe and the Komodo Bros were standing in the courtyard of Cortex Castle, admiring Pinstripe's new car and getting ready for a shopping trip. Ripper Roo had not arrived yet.

"So," muttered Komodo Joe, taking a deep breath. "Koala Kong needs to buy a whole load of magazines to read the reviewsss on his latest film, Tiny wants to buy meat for the lionsss, Dingodile wants flammable gasss for his flamethrower, Moe and I want a fire extinguisssher -"

"A fire extinguisher? Why do youse guys need a fire extinguisher?" Pinstripe asked, leaning against the car door.

Komodo Joe glanced briefly at Dingodile before continuing. " - and you want your Tommy gun repaired, because it keeps jamming."

"Yep." Pinstripe entered the car and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, looking rather bored.

"And you think we're going to find all this stuff on an island that's been neglected for years."

Tiny Tiger squashed himself into the passenger's seat. "Tiny like car!" He roared.

From outside the car, Komodo Joe noted that Pinstripe's bored expression was rapidly changing to one of disgust.

"PHOARR!" He yelled. "TINY - THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

Pinstripe struggled with the seatbelt, desperate to put as much distance between himself and Tiny's odious smell.

"You'll probably want to know that Tiny just cleared out the lions' litter." Koala Kong smirked. Just at the precise moment Pinstripe and Tiny stumbled out of the car, the unthinkable happened.

A group of slates that clung at the top of the highest turret of Cortex Castle, decided to break free and slid down the steep roof with alarming speed. It happened so quickly that that initially the minions thought that an invisible bomber dropped its payload on top of Pinstripe's car. One minute they were complaining about Tiny's stench, the next they were lying on the floor, wondering what had hit them.

"What on earth?" Komodo Joe picked himself up from the ground and checked to see if his brother was alright.

"Look at that! It's completely wrecked!" Pinstripe walked around the car, simultaneously shocked and amazed at his lucky escape. Embedded in the roof of the car were three enormous slates.

"We could've been killed, mate." Dingodile said reproachfully. He squinted up at the roof. This was proving to be the most expensive shopping trip so far. Not only did they need a fire extinguisher, a bag of meat and a Tommy gun in need of repair, they now had to add one roof and a car to their shopping list as well.

"You know, the whole roof looksss like it'sss in danger of raining down on our headssss." Komodo Joe decided. At these words, the minions automatically took a step backwards from the danger zone. Pinstripe tipped over a low wall and fell backwards into a thorny bush with a dismayed howl.

"D'you think we should tell Cortex?" Koala Kong wondered.

"No. He'll just ignore it and tell us to put hard hats on." Komodo Moe grumbled.

"Tiny think tell." Tiny roared.

The Komodo Brothers clamped their claws over their ears and winced.

* * *

Two days after the slipping slates incident, Komodo Joe ambled into N Gin's lab in search of breakfast. Instead, an alien reek of aftershave attacked his nostrils. The source of this was a very nervous man sitting at the kitchen table, trying desperately hard not to stare at N Gin. In fact, there was something about him that managed to turn anyone he met into a quivering wreck. Glossy brochures and official looking papers were spread out amongst beakers and mechanical parts.

_Aha, _thought Komodo Joe. _This looks interesssting. _He opened N Gin's private fridge and began searching for food.

"As I was saying, your roof is fine. It's just the beams…. Er….yes the beams. Rotten to the core. Lucky it hasn't fallen on top of you, what with all the rain we've been having….. Um…" The man, who Komodo Joe assumed was a salesman, met N Gin's steely glare and took a large cup of coffee to sustain himself.

"So, Mr Weatherly, just how much are we talking about?" N Gin pushed an envelope to one side and glowered at a certain Komodo dragon rummaging inside his refrigerator. The salesman turned pale at the sight and began to wish that he'd never entered the castle in the first place.

"Not too sure…..just off the top of my head….rough estimate.. er.."

"_How much?_" This was said in the harshest mechanical voice N Gin could muster.

Mr Weatherly scribbled something on the back of a business card. "Have a think. It's a big job. Expensive business…best to just knock the whole thing down…" His voice tailed off as he busied himself with packing the brochures into his crocodile suitcase. _Hope Dingodile doesn't sspot that. _Komodo Joe thought, as he spotted a promising paper bag. It turned out to be full of Brussel sprouts.

"Nice to ….um….. I'll just see myself out." Mr Weatherly practically ran out of the room, leaving a trail of aftershave behind him.

Komodo Joe listened to the sound of hurried footsteps outside on the gravel. There was a loud scream, indicating that Dingodile had probably seen the crocodile suitcase and was using the man for target practise.

"Komodo Joe, get away from my fridge!" N Gin yelled. The reptile straightened up quickly and tried to look innocent.

"Ssssorry." he hissed apologetically.

"Where's Cortex?"

"I think he'ss upsstairsss. Getting yelled at by Uka-Uka."

N Gin reluctantly picked up the business card.

"I'd better not tell him that he has to pay $6860,987,72 plus delivery for a roof, then." The door slammed shut behind him, leaving Komodo Joe staring blankly at a brochure that had been left behind. The picture showed the cover of an ideal family in front of their new home. There was a dog and two grinning children flanked by their equally happy parents. Underneath, a caption read "The Manson family at home in Happyville. Homes to depend on. Another fine make from Coolhomes Inc…."

_Nothing like our "home", _Komodo Joe thought_. If they'd ever decided to make a brochure for Cortex Castle, we'd be scowling outside the entrance - "The at home with their minions; a half-breed, a trigger happy marsupial, a koala bear on 40 rounds of steroids …. Oh and let's not forget the straitjacketed kangaroo! Behind them is their lovely Cortex Castle, which looks like a cross between a badly drawn fairy castle and the film set for __**Count Dracula Falls on Extremely Hard Times….**__"_

He threw the brochure back on the table and stalked out of the lab. _And I jusssst bet that family has a fridge full of lamb, chicken, turkey… maybe even a pizza….instead of mouldy Brussels's sprouts. No wonder they're grinning. _He concluded, running up the stairs.

* * *

Darkness came to Cortex Castle at around 3'o clock. A howling wind rattled at the castle's 64 windows, while rain peppered the outside walls, almost as if demanding to be let in. Clustered round a pathetic log fire in the library, the minions and were not inclined to be cheerful.

"I'm freezing!" Komodo Moe complained, moving closer to the dying flames in a futile attempt for warmth.

"Put another log on, then!" Koala Kong snapped.

"We've run out."

"No worries, mate. I can solve this problem in a jiffy!" Dingodile yelled triumphantly, bearing his many yellow teeth into a wide crocodile's grin. This kind of sociable greeting sent postmen and delivery boys running for cover, for it normally meant that Dingodile was about to use his flamethrower.

"That's 1/100th of a second." N Tropy barely looked up from a book he was reading. (It was called The _Time Machine_, by H.G Wells.) He had been forced to watch over the minions while N Gin went next door to tell Neo Cortex about the roof.

"What!" Dingodile asked, utterly bewildered.

"A jiffy is 1/100th of second." N Tropy turned another page.

"Show off." Dingodile muttered under his breath, as he aimed the flamethrower at the fireplace.

"I heard that."

While Dingodile was attempting to relight the fireplace, N Tropy charged up his trident and sent a burst of electricity towards the half-breed. This act meant that Dingodile misfired in in his haste to get away from the orange bolt of light.

"ARGH! I'M ON FIRE! HELP!" Komodo Moe shrieked, struggling to beat out the flames.

"See why I wanted a fire extinguisssher?" Komodo Joe whispered to Pinstripe. "Dingodile has bad aim. That bandicoot was practically inchess away from him!"

N Tropy looked up from the pages of his book. "Was that a drip? On the back of my neck?"

"FORGET ABOUT A DRIP! I'M ON FIRE!"

"That's **ENOUGH! **Just stop that incessant ranting of yours and **BE QUIET!**" N Tropy roared, holding up his silver trident.

From above the room, a faint sound of _plink, plink, plink _could be heard. Komodo Moe and Joe, Dingodile, Tiny, Pinstripe and Koala Kong moved closer towards N Tropy's table, taking care not to make a sound.

The tapping grew louder, more insistent, faster, more louder ….. plink _plinkplinkplinkplink_…..plunk.

N Tropy stood up from his seat and promptly tripped over Dingodile's enormous tail. He fell to the floor with a crash just as a large chunk of plaster tore from the ceiling and landed in the seat he recently vacated. This was followed by a torrent of brown water, pouring through the hole and drenching all the minions underneath.

"HALLEJUH! I'M SAVED!" Komodo Moe cried. Everyone else however was not as joyful as him.

"First it was the car, and now it's the suit. I'm starting to think someone up there doesn't like me!" Pinstripe grumbled. Above his head a large grey patch spread across the ceiling like ink on blotting paper. The areas around the hole began to bulge, growing and sagging as if something massive was forcing its way through.

"Uh….guys.."

"EVERYBODY OUT! NOW!" N Tropy yelled, pushing all the minions out through the door. "The entire ceiling's about to come down!"

As soon he as closed the massive oak doors of the library behind them, there came a deafening crash as gallons of rainwater surged through an even larger hole.

"Tell to N Gin to phone that salesssman!" Komodo Joe hissed.

"But where are we gonna stay in the meantime?" Pinstripe snarled. "The castle's busted, and N Brio trashed the space station."

N Tropy took a deep breath. "Well, I'm afraid we'll have to stay at a hotel."

"A hotel…." began Pinstripe.

There was a slight pause.

"YEAH! Good food and comfy beds here we come!" The minions cheered. While they were discussing the good points of a hotel, N Tropy had picked up a phone that was located outside the library and punched in a number.

"We'll get our own en suite bathroom!" Koala Kong cried happily.

N Tropy cupped his hands over the headpiece as he whispered into the phone. "I'd like to book three rooms and all your stables…..yes…..No, not horses. Ah - well you'll have to know sometime…..what we're talking about is a marsupial who thinks he's a gangster, two well behaved Komodo Dragons, a cross between a dingo and a crocodile, a rather large Koala bear, and a dull-witted tiger….No, I am not joking. This is NOT a prank call….."

Far above their heads came the cry of a very angry Neo Cortex.

N Gin had just given him the bill.

**- End of Chapter one -**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I am very surprised at getting so many reviews very quickly! Thank you very much! **

**Anyway, Ripper Roo is in this one. He's actually one of my favourite characters.**

* * *

**-Chapter 2 -**

The girl behind the reception desk appeared to be slightly stunned by the arrival of the entourage from Cortex Castle. Her brief training in the hotel trade had not prepared her for the rather odd assortment of guests attempting to worm their way through the revolving doors. Towed by Tiny on a chain (to give off the illusion that Tiny was simply an overgrown pet), Neo Cortex skidded across the marble floor, let go and fetched up underneath a chair. The revolving doors slowed to a more sedate pace and Nefarious Tropy appeared, followed by Koala Kong carrying the entire luggage.

"Good afternoon," N Tropy addressed the receptionist, seeing that Neo Cortex was trying to crawl out from underneath the chair. "We're part of the Cortex Castle party. I believe you have some rooms booked in that name?"

"What PARTY?" Komodo Moe cried, barging through the revolving doors and unsheathing his sword. "No-one told me there was going to be a party!"

"….So if you could just tell us where are rooms are," N Tropy continued, "and where I might find the stable block for our…_animals."_

The receptionist turned deathly pale and fainted, scattering pens and papers all over her desk. Sensing all was not going well, N Tropy turned to see Dingodile ambling across the carpet, smiling his wide toothsome grin at the receptionist.

Through the revolving door came Pinstripe and Komodo Joe, loudly informing everyone within earshot that N Gin was busy threatening their taxi driver with heat-seeking missiles.

"That'll teach him for overcharging." Pinstripe snickered.

The receptionist came round and shakily handed N Tropy the keys. However, as soon as N Gin barged angrily through the doors, the girl took one look at him and fainted once more.

* * *

As chaos descended onto Starlight Hotel, a blue kangaroo wearing a straitjacket was travelling, first class, to Cortex Castle. The seats were comfy, and Ripper Roo was able to communicate with the air hostess by means of a small whiteboard and marker pen. He used his mouth to write.

"Would you like a snack, sir?" the hostess asked. She resembled a rather disgruntled Barbie doll.

Ripper Roo very carefully wrote down his order and nudged it towards the woman with his snout.

"Peanuts," she read aloud. "OK." She flung the packet at Ripper Roo and wheeled the trolley down the aisle, probably off to infect everyone else with her bad mood.

Now Ripper Roo was faced with a dilemma. Namely - how could someone wearing a straitjacket open a plastic bag? He gazed down at the peanuts, trapped in their plastic cells, and wondered what to do.

Suddenly, it hit him like a bolt of lightning. Grabbing one end of the peanut packet with his foot and the other end with his mouth, he pulled hard. The packet snapped open with the force and ended up in the laps of other passengers, instead of in Ripper Roo's mouth.

Everyone glared at him. Ripper Roo didn't seem to care. On the contrary he ate the remaining peanuts with relish and settled down to watch _Finding Nemo._

* * *

Two and a half hours later, the scientists and their minions were sitting around a table in the dining room. It taken that long to check in as the manager had been called in after the receptionist recovered. He had a heated argument with N Gin, complaining about the missile in his head. In the end, Cortex muttered vaguely about it being a cyber-life support system.

"Is it a live missile?"

"No, of course not!" Cortex had lied, through gritted teeth.

After that, the minions had a heated argument with about their accommodations.

"A STABLE! It STINKS!" Komodo Moe yelled.

"That's not fair. Youse guys the proper rooms, and we get a pile of straw! Who had to face Crash Bandicoot! Us!" Pinstripe cried indignantly.

"But you never beat him, you stupid marsupial." N Tropy snapped.

"This is animal cruelty. I want a lawyer!" Koala Kong raised a paw into the air. "Who's with me?"

The end of N Tropy's trident flashed threateningly.

"Er.. You know what, stables are quite fine actually!"

"Yeah, straw beds are really comfortable."

"The smell isn't that bad, once you get used to it…."

"Good. Glad that's settled then." N Tropy smirked.

The room was in complete and utter silence as the minions and the scientists consulted their leather-bound menus. N Gin was fully aware that the guests were staring at his disfigured face.

"I told you we should have phoned room service." He muttered to Cortex and Tropy.

Tiny stared at the black squiggles all over his page in confusion. "Tiny HUNGRY!" He roared, oblivious to the silence. N Gin sighed and read it out to him, causing the guests to wince at his metallic rasp. _When Cortex rules the world, I'm going to blow this hotel into smithereens._ He thought viciously to himself.

A waitress appeared, holding a large carafe of iced water and two bread baskets. She placed this in the middle of the table and began to write down their orders.

"Ok, Moe, Dingodile and I want ssteak, Pinstripe and Koala Kong want some huevoss rancheross thing and Tiny wants…." Komodo Joe paused, waiting for Tiny to state his order.

"Tiny want food!"

"Fine, anything goesss for him."

Two minutes later, the minions and the scientists were nibbling at the bread and sipping iced water in anticipation. Ten minutes ticked by, the bread baskets were empty, the bottles drained and tempers were beginning to fray.

"I wonder what's happened to our lunch?" Cortex asked.

"Any longer and it's gonna be time for bed!" Pinstripe grumbled.

"I'm starving.." Koala Kong complained.

"We all are, stupid." Komodo Moe began to tap his fork against the china plate, while was trying to glean some extra entertainment by reading the menu again.

Tap, Tap, Tap

"Stop it," cried N Tropy irritably.

Tap, Tap, Tap.

"I said STOP IT, you vile reptile!"

"Me ? A vile reptile? You better take that back!"

Just as the table was about to erupt in a full blown out war, the waitress reappeared, laden with food.

"What is thissss ?" Komodo Joe prodded the red mush that was oozing all over his plate. "Are you sure it's steak?"

"Quit whinning !" Pinstripe took a large forkful of lunch, unaware of the specks of pepper littering his food. He had taken 5 mouthfuls before the full effect of chilli struck him.

"It's not cooked properly." Moe complained. He had received the same dish as his brother.

Pinstripe grabbed the jug of water and drank the entire contents, his eyes watering at the burning sensation that slowly cooled down.

Dingodile was oddly quiet. Very slowly, he drew his flamethrower, and aimed it at the offending dishes.

"No!" yelled Neo Cortex.

"No!" yelled N Gin, not caring about the guests wincing again.

"You fool!" yelled N Tropy.

The waitress returned with a bottle of iced water - just in time to see Dingodile misfire, the tabletop bursting into flames.

"Idiot" Komodo Joe muttered under his breath.

* * *

Silence descended upon Cortex Castle. Dust accumulated in the Great Hall, swirling in the draughts caused by the hole in the ceiling. The temperature dropped, and the coals in the fireplace turned from bright orange to dull grey.

It was this sight that greeted Ripper Roo as he bounced inside the castle. After taking a flight (first class) and receiving curious glances from other passengers, he was sorely disappointed at being forgotten. He felt alone. Abandoned, in fact.

Pale blue light from the glass-stained windows (which had Cortex's image on it of course) illuminated the lonely figure of Ripper Roo as he stared down below him, thinking of what to do next.

The loud clatter of an engine broke into his thoughts. Ripper Roo peered down at the area which held the drawbridge and saw a large yellow van that stopped at the ramp. Doors opened and slammed. Strange humans wearing hard hats spilled out, negotiating the ramp and scrambling on top of the drawbridge, carrying huge metal pipes and tool boxes.

Ripper Roo was quite confused. Where was Cortex? What were these men doing here? Deciding that the only way to answer his questions was to go down there himself and check, Ripper Roo bounced his way downstairs.

"Come on then, hurry up!" came a shout. Ripper Roo pressed himself against a stone wall, out of sight of the builders. He stood perfectly still and did not make a sound as he struggled to hear the conversation between the men.

"What's the boss up to?"

"Don't know mate. Just get the roof off. That's what he said."

Ripper Roo puzzled over this. _Get the roof off_. The castle was cold enough with the roof on. So why take the roof off?

"So what do we do with the slates?"

"Chuck 'em in the sea. That's what he said."

Ripper Roo could not help thinking that the second human was like a parrot, repeating the same thing over and over again like a stuck record. But it still didn't give him any hint about why they wanted to take off the roof.

Seconds later, the air was filled with flying slates. Ripper Roo ducked as one flew over his head. Hundreds and hundreds of slates smashed against the flagstone floor. An artic wind blew across the castle, sending a chill through the blue kangaroo's bones. Above him, the roof was being taken apart with such force that Ripper Roo could see one of the men straddled on the beam, levering up slates and tossing them without a care in the world.

He hopped across the hallway, avoiding the spiders crawling out from the ceiling and took shelter in the Basement Labs. He was safe. For now.

**-End of chapter 2 -**


	3. Chapter 3

**- Chapter three -**

Despite the damage done to the dining hall, Starlight Hotel was still running. The disgraced minions were sent to their stables ("WHAT!It's Dingodile's fault, not ours!Send him out!"),while Neo Cortex and the rest of the N. Team were in his room, thinking up new ways to take over the world.

On this occasion however, Neo Cortex had a rather different plan. "We are going to create a cloning machine!" He declared.

"But why?" N Gin asked.

"Imagine that annoying bandicoot up against 5 of you, N. Gin. Or trying to defeat to defeat 4 Dingodiles. Or even 3 of Tiny."

Both N Gin and N Tropy did not remind him of that disastrous experiment with Fake Crash….

* * *

_The bandicoot had looked up at N Gin with fear in its eyes. It was strapped to a chair, the belt cutting into its skin. For a slight moment N Gin felt guilty. Then he remembered that letting it go free would be disobeying Cortex's orders. If he did that, he would be out of a job, and N Gin was certain that nobody else would employ someone with a missile in his head._

_Dr Cortex's orders were specifically this: To create an exact clone of Crash Bandicoot and then use it to defeat the original. Both N Gin and N Tropy had selected an Eastern Barred Bandicoot, subjected it to a check up, scribbled down its statistics and then plonked it down on the hard, cold seat._

_"Now what?" N Gin asked. His expertise was in the field of physics, not biology. He knew a couple of facts, but not enough to create a clone._

_"I believe we need something of Crash himself. A strand of hair, a fingerprint - that sort of thing." N Tropy frowned. "I think."_

_So N Gin scoured his mechanical parts for a strand of orange hair. He came across one lying on top of Cortex's stun gun and handed it to N Tropy, who frowned in thought as it lay on the palm of his hand. "The Eolvo-O-Ray elevates animal intelligence, and the Cortex Vortex creates commandos to serve Dr. Cortex's every whim.."_

_"I know that, I've been around here a lot longer then you."_

_"No, I mean we haven't got a proper machine to clone a creature."_

_Now it was N Gin's turn to pause in thought. "We'll have to improvise. As soon as you complete the Time Twister the bandicoots are going to come. I'll just snap the hair in two and then slot it inside both machines."_

_"Are you sure it's going to work?"_

_"Nope. It's times like these we could use N. Brio."_

_N Gin followed his own instructions to the latter, pausing to smile as he watched the time-obsessed scientist pin the squirming animal down. "Ouch!" N Tropy yelled, as the bandicoot bit down on his finger. "You filthy skunk!" he spat, now beginning to harbour an intense hatred of all bandicoots._

_N Gin aimed the Eolvo-O-Ray at the creature and motioned N. Tropy to move aside. It whirred and hummed as N Tropy climbed up the stone steps and watched N Gin input the co-ordinates. The machine whirred a final time and then sent a bolt of light toward the creature. It rocked backwards and forwards on the chair, electricity frying every bone in its body, the molecules and DNA being rearranged….._

_N Tropy quickly noticed that N. Gin was not even looking at the transformation taking place before them. He had his eyes screwed shut and gloved hands clamped over his ears, probably because the animal was making such a racket that it made his headache even worse. N Tropy turned away, smirking slightly._

_And he got the shock of his life._

_Standing before the two scientists was what resembled Crash Bandicoot, but instead had huge furry eyebrows and white teeth that stuck out. It laughed goofily, which startled N Gin into opening his eyes._

_"Good lord - he looks even worse then you N Gin!"_

_N Gin glared at N Tropy. "Since you said that, I'll let you take the blame!"_

* * *

"But this time, we won't mess it up!" cried Neo Cortex. "We'll build an entirely new machine with the exact purpose of cloning."

N Gin and N Tropy looked at each other and said nothing.

* * *

The minions were not happy. They had got used to the stables - after all, they knew about the cost of the roof, and decided not to mention anything to Cortex - it was just the sleeping accommodations. Straw beds were certainly not their idea of a good night's sleep.

"It ain't fair." Dingodile snarled, brushing straw off his flamethrower.

"Tiny hate bed!" Tiny howled, jumping upon the hay bales so forcefully that it broke in two.

The Komodo Brothers were flicking through a book they had stolen off someone in the breakfast hall. It was a large leather hardback, surprisingly entitled: TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE - 150 YEARS OF MARY SUE.

"What's a laundry room?" Koala Kong asked Pinstripe suddenly. He had remembered reading the words somewhere in the hotel, but didn't quite understand it.

"It's where they put the sheets and stuff…." Pinstripe trailed off. An idea had struck him. "Guess what guys! I've gotta plan! We don't have to sleep on straw beds no-more!"

* * *

At about the same time Pinstripe had concocted a plan, the scientists were just putting the finishing touches on their cloning machine.

It was a huge and immense steel structure that dominated half of the room. The cloning machine looked rather like an enormous silver bullet on wheels. Embedded on one side was a large computer, complete with keyboard and a small drawer to insert the DNA samples in. On the other side was a door that slid open to let the clone out.

"But where are we going to hide it? The maids might meddle with it." N Tropy said, thoughtfully. Neo Cortex crept out of the room and returned a few minutes later, a smile on his face.

"The laundry room! It's quite big, considering the number of rooms and guests this hotel has. We could hide it amongst the shelves and boxes. No-one will ever know."

"Apart from room service." N Gin interjected.

"We'll hide it amongst the boxes. I'm certain the maids and cleaning ladies only use the products off the shelves."

And so it was that three, rather strange looking scientists, wheeled the contraption down the hallway, wishing that it didn't squeak so much against the polished floor.

"I would have installed a hovering device underneath so it would levitate, but I didn't have the correct materials." N Gin explained rather apologetically.

Thankfully, the incessant squeaking was immediately muffled by a red carpet laid down further ahead, and the N. Team were able to sneak the machine inside the laundry room without meeting anybody on the way. Neo Cortex was right - the laundry room certainly was huge. The area was almost in complete darkness, save for a small lamp that didn't really give out much light against the gloom. The scientists could just make out a pile of boxes in a corner. Pausing to make sure that no - one really was around, Cortex whispered to his colleagues "You push the boxes away while I wheel it in."

N Gin and N Tropy sneaked over quietly and began to remove the boxes until there was a sufficient gap for the machine to slip in. Very slowly, Neo Cortex pushed the contraption across the floor and into the gap. The three scientists then built the boxes around it until not a single piece of machinery could be seen.

"There. Done," N Tropy whispered.

"No - wait." N Gin hauled a couple of boxes off until he could see the keyboard, computer screen and small drawer. "Why don't we test it? It would take the whole night to create a clone - we might as well have a try."

"I'll be the test subject!" said N Cortex quickly, although no-one else had volunteered.

N Gin immediately pulled out a strand of Cortex's hair. "Ouch!"

Ignoring his surly mutterings and glares, N Gin pressed a key and a drawer shot out with such force that it hit N Tropy in the stomach. He placed the hair inside and pressed another key. The drawer slid back in.

"Did you have to be so Neanderthal?" N Tropy gasped, clutching his stomach.

"You shouldn't have been in the way." N Gin muttered, typing furiously as Cortex leaned forward and read the words typed up on screen:

Clone monitor

**Gender **Male

**Size **100

**Clone Quality **Best

**Units** 1

"You can actually create a female version of me?" asked N Cortex in amazement.

"If I was very disturbed - then yes." N Gin said, replacing the boxes to cover the screen.

"Let's go then. I think I need some cream." N Tropy took deep breaths as they sneaked back out of the laundry room.

* * *

From behind an open door, twelve pairs of eyes anxiously scanned the empty corridors for any signs of life. Outside, the windows indicated that it was very dark outside. A full moon illuminated their surroundings.

"O.K. Coast's clear. Just remember guys - "Pinstripe was interrupted by a dreadful squeaky noise emitting on the far right where the corridor split into two ways. It drowned out the rest of his speech completely.

"What's he saying?" Koala Kong asked. He tried to poke his head out to see what was making that horrible racket and accidentally got smacked around the head by Pinstripe's Tommy gun.

"I think its 12' o clock mate!" Dingodile shrugged, incorrectly assuming that Koala Kong was asking for the time.

The noise died down. Pinstripe raised a finger and cocked his ear, listening. What seemed like a thousand years went by until he stepped out into the corridor and waved the rest of the motley group on.

The six minions rushed down the corridor, hid behind exotic flowers in the hallway and tip-toed past the rooms before finally arriving outside the laundry room. Pinstripe slowly pushed opened the door with a creak.

The room was in complete darkness apart from the light coming from the hallway.

"There mussst be a lot of guessts here," Komodo Joe hissed in awe. The reptile was about to step inside when Pinstripe's arm shot up and barred his way.

"Haven't ya seen the movies? We've gotta check if there's anyone in!"

The minions stood in the doorway. They could not hear anything apart from a strange humming noise emitting from a pile of boxes that were neatly stacked in one corner. "TINY SAYS NO-ONE HERE!" Tiny roared loudly. It echoed off the walls eerily.

The minions took this as a signal to begin stealing. The Komodo brothers hauled bed sheets off the shelves, Koala Kong grabbed 12 boxes of tissues, and Dingodile snatched a couple of pillows for everyone.

"Drat! No mattresses!" Pinstripe glared around the room. "Where the heck are the mattresses?"

Tiny Tiger's attention, however, was drawn to the boxes like iron nails are attracted to a magnet. He strode across the floor, his huge trainers thumping along as he went. He pulled the boxes off and exposed the bits of machinery inside. Realising that he was still clutching the boxes, Tiny threw them backwards without a moment's thought. This resulted in the Komodo brothers and Koala Kong receiving an unwelcome THWACK on the head.

"OW!"

"OW!"

"OUCH!"

Tiny ignored the shouts of pain behind him and stared at the glowing screen. He pressed a key on the keyboard, but to his disappointment, nothing happened. He peered once more at the screen, punched the keyboard (It was very fortunate that N Gin had made it out of indestructible polymer; that punch Tiny gave to the keyboard would have almost certainly knocked down an elephant) and then pressed several more buttons simultaneously. The drawer shot out and hit Tiny, who just looked down at it curiously, instead of gasping in pain like N Tropy did moments earlier.

"I think I've got a bruise!" Komodo Moe winced as Komodo Joe smacked around him around the head.

"Pull yourssssself together, brother."

Koala Kong whirled around and spotted Tiny lurking in the corner. "What's he doing?"

"I dunno, mate. Better see what's going on." Dingodile had barely taken a step forward when Tiny returned. He took a pillow off Dingodile, tore a sheet from Komodo brothers, plucked a tissue from Koala Kong and then grabbed a bit of hair from Pinstripe, who yelled out and rubbed his head.

You see, while Tiny was just seeing what would happen if you put something in the drawer, this action would have serious repercussions. Everything that the minions had touched had a bit of DNA in it. Tiny stuffed the items inside and pressed another series of buttons. The drawer slid back in, while a message flashed up on screen.

**Cloning activated successfully**

"OK, we better go back guys." Pinstripe yawned. "I need some help with the mattresses…..I just found them."

"TINY HELP!" Tiny Tiger ran forward and picked up all the mattresses. Pinstripe shrugged and led the way, followed by the rest of the minions, unaware that they were about to get into deep, deep, trouble.

* * *

Several hours later, N Cortex, N Gin and N Tropy were resigned to the fact that deep inside the clone monitor menu, Tiny had altered their plan. The scientists stared, horrified as they read the following words on screen:

_Clone monitor_

**Gender** Male (Cortex was relieved that that hadn't changed)

**Size **250

**Clone Quality **Draft

And more importantly,

**Units**: 100

**-End of chapter 3-**


	4. Chapter 4

**-Chapter Four-**

The minions sat beneath the branches of an old tree, playing cards and generally trying to entertain themselves. They were so absorbed in their game that they barely noticed a tall woman with dark brown hair glide toward them in snakeskin boots. "Excuse me."

Pinstripe frowned at the cards laid out before him. "Hmmm…."

"EXCUSE ME!"

The minions jumped, scattering cards and inadvertently showing Pinstripe their hands.

"Hey lady, we're in the middle of a game here!"

The woman rolled her eyes and dug deep into the pocket of her leopard skin jumpsuit. At the sight of this, the minions backed away, having realised that every single piece of clothing she wore was the result of some poor animal that had been slaughtered.

"Ah yes, here we are. This is the bill." She held the paper between thumb and forefinger, while staring coldly at the minions.

"The bill for what?" Koala Kong asked, utterly mystified.

"Your hybrid friend over there-" the woman, who of course was the manageress, waved her hand vaguely at Dingodile before continuing, "has just set someone's car on fire. Obviously, this guest will require some form of compensation over the loss of his vehicle."

There was a moment's silence as the minions contemplated over this impossible fact.

"That's impossible! I was here the whole time, sheila!" cried Dingodile.

"He's innocent!" yelled Komodo Moe.

"Listen lady, he ain't done nothing wrong!" Pinstripe waved his Tommy gun threateningly, while Tiny roared.

"Give it to the ssscientists." Komodo Joe advised, picking up his cards.

"I most certainly will." The manageress sniffed and turned sharply on her heels before making her way back to the hotel.

"You know, I get the feeling she doesn't like us much." Koala Kong said thoughtfully.

* * *

The cloning machine rumbled and nearly bounced off the wall. Smoke issued from underneath the door and there was banging and shouting from within its inner depths. The scientists eyed the contraption apprehensively and simultaneously took a large step backwards.

"So," Cortex began nervously, "who wants to open the door?"

No one volunteered. Neo Cortex remembered that, technically, it was him who started the problem and so he endeavoured to solve it. Suddenly, the idea of becoming subservient to that infernal bandicoot seemed a lot more appealing then opening the machine.

He hesitated, and at that moment the door buckled like a paper cup in the path of a rhino. It slammed onto the floor with a sickening THUD and grey smoke billowed out, choking the scientists.

Hundreds and hundreds of clones darted out. Dingodiles, Pinstripes, Koala Kongs, Tinys and Komodo Brothers came out in a never-ending stream. The scientists did not stop them. The attempt would be as futile as a feather against an armoured tank.

"Where are they going to?" N Tropy asked.

"From the direction they're running in, I would say the dining room." N Gin replied, leaning out of the doorway.

The scientists felt like they'd been there for hours when the stream died down to a trickle and finally just one Dingodile leapt out of the window.

"What is he doing?" inquired Cortex. He and N Gin rushed over to where N Tropy was standing, and tried to peer over the windowsill.

"Well, he's run towards the car park and er…. well, there's a car in his way. It looks like that bothersome salesman's car. Anyway, he's got his flamethrower out and set it on fire."

"WHAT!" N Cortex yelled. He groaned and cradled his head in his hands. "Well, we are now officially bankrupt. There is no way I can afford all this."

"Seems a tad unnecessary, I think. He could have just as easily walked _around_ the car as opposed to committing arson." N Tropy took his helmet off and ran his fingers through his jet-black hair.

N Gin sighed and took his hands off the windowsill. "I guess we'll have to find out a way to get rid of the clones. There's a computer in the machine – we could connect it to the Internet and do some research." He immediately logged onto the Internet and began trawling through several websites, while Cortex and N Tropy stood by and offered advice.

"How about that website, it looks promising."

"That's an advert for the female bandicoot's dating agency."

"Oh."

A knock on the door interrupted N Gin and Cortex's conversation.

"You two get it," said N Gin, eyes glued to the screen.

Cortex and N Tropy opened the door to reveal a woman wearing a clinging leopard skin jumpsuit. "Excuse me, but what are you doing in the hotel laundry room?" She peered around N Tropy's tall frame and spotted the cloning machine surrounded by fallen boxes. "What is that thing?"

"It's nothing." N Gin glared at the woman with about as much venom as he could muster. Her response was to avert her eyes towards N Tropy, whereupon her icy demeanour immediately vanished.

"Oh, _hello_ there. I'm Moja LeRoct." She extended a manicured hand for him to shake. "And you are?"

N Tropy turned rather pale, but managed to reply "Dr. Nefarious Tropy."

Mrs LeRoct adjusted her hair and smiled at him. "What a _lovely_ name. I did have a bill here for you, but let's just forget about it for now, shall we?"

"Where's Mr LeRoct?" snapped Cortex, who had seen this all before. Many fangirls had invaded Cortex Castle in the past, all clamouring to see their favourite scientist.

Mrs LeRoct blinked. "Oh, he's had a bit of an accident. Something he ate." With startling speed, she tucked her arm into N Tropy's and pulled him out into the corridor.

"Help!" He mouthed at Cortex, who was trying hard not to smirk.

* * *

Try as they might, the minions could not stave off their hunger pangs after several games of snap, so they set off for the dining hall, oblivious to the discovery that awaited them.

"Let's not order steak from now on." Koala Kong muttered to Pinstripe.

"Youse got that right."

At the door of the dining hall, the minions stopped. They must have been too early. There was absolutely no sound coming from inside, none of the commotion they associated with lunchtime. But when the minions pushed open the double doors, they saw that it was full. Table after table was filled with creatures that similar to them. In fact…..

"It's uss!" cried Komodo Joe.

"Not really. Everyone's white." Komodo Moe explained.

"SMALL!" Roared Tiny.

It was true. Every clone was a distinct shade of white and much smaller. They did not seem to be aware of the newcomers in their midst. No one spoke. The clones ate in rhythm, sliced food in tandem and passed saltshakers in unison.

Dingodile inspected his clone, who had crooked teeth and black eyes. "How could you mistake me for _that_?" He pointed the nozzle of his flamethrower at it.

"Well, some people do missstake blue hedgehogsss for black onesss," shrugged Komodo Joe.

All of a sudden, the clones stood up and turned to face them. Hundreds and hundreds of pairs of blank, glazed eyes stared at the minions.

"G'day mate," Dingodile said. The white Dingodile replied by drawing out his flamethrower and pointing it at the minions. At this signal, the rest of the clones pointed their weapon of choice at the minions too.

"Time to go!" Yelled Pinstripe, and kicked the doors open. The minions dived outside as bullets; swords and flames flew over their heads. Komodo Joe grabbed one of the swords embedded in the wall and threaded it through the door handles. Dingodile sealed the gaps in between using his flamethrower.

"It won't hold them for long!" Koala Kong exclaimed.

"The nearest room we can hide in is the manager's room." Komodo Joe pointed at said door.

Pinstripe rushed over and rattled the doorknob. "It's locked!"

Tiny took a few steps back and roared. The rest of the minions stood back and watched. Tiny Tiger ran forwards and was about to make contact with the door when it was opened by N Tropy, who immediately found himself being body slammed onto the floor. "Ow!"

Tiny helped the scientist up and shut the door behind the minions.

"What are you doing here? You're not the manager." Komodo Moe said in a tone of bewilderment.

"That ghastly woman took me here." N Tropy groaned and rubbed his back.

"Another converted fangirl?" asked Pinstripe sympathetically.

N Tropy sat down on the desk and sighed.

"Who cares? Have you been making clones outta us?" Dingodile scowled.

"Not intentionally. The test subject was Neo Cortex. I'm not even sure how your DNA even ended up in the machine."

"Tiny saw white clones!"

"White? Well, that's even more confusing." N Tropy looked at the minions, who were glaring at him. "Do not look at me like that! Clearly, you've met the clones and I take it that they weren't very friendly."

"They sure weren't." Pinstripe folded his arms. "We just managed to keep 'em inside, but we don't know how long it's gonna last."

Komodo Joe spoke. "I think we need a plan to get rid of them."

The minions gazed at N Tropy. They were used to taking orders from the scientists.

"Well, here's what I think we should do….."

**-End of Chapter 4-**

**Author's Note 2: Moja LeRoct is an anagram of "Major Ocelot" from Metal Gear Solid 3. If you defeat him, you receive a camouflage suit made of… animal skins! I got the idea of using anagrams from Lemony Snicket's books.**

**The comment about hedgehogs is a reference to Sonic the Hedgehog.**

**There was also a reference to Coco Bandicoot's dating agency. (Crash Team racing)**

**Anyway, this time, I will try to update a bit more frequently. Thank you.**


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